Saw-bore yourself to sleep but leave Scanners alone.

Just when I thought the trite monotonous series of Saw movies had finally fecked off, Saw 6 has been released. This latest instalment is not directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, previous director of most of the Saw franchise but by Kevin Greutert, editor of all Saw movies. Personally I couldn’t give a flying fig about Saw and the never ending stagnant, sado-masochistic saga. Problem I have is with a rumour. If the rumour is true then another component of the horror genre has been given a kick in the knackers and it’s credibility as a genre will be further eroded. Rumour going around is- Bousman is going to direct a re-make of David Cronenberg’s infamous Scanners. Laugh or cry was my initial reaction to the re-make rumour, throw bleedin Bousman into the mix and anger took over, sacrilege. I’ll say it again- SACRILEGE!!!!!

There is nothing Hollywood producers won’t fudge, no original classic too sacred for their grubby, greedy fingers to grab and make a hash of. When was the last time main stream American cinema, particularly in regards to the horror genre come up with something fresh, some innovative, something we the audience could get our metaphorical teeth into? I really have lost count of how many times contemporary producers/script writers have plunged backwards in time and plucked numerous horror classics only to make a complete bollocks of them, Scanners handled by Bousman has all the hallmarks of being a complete catastrophe and I just can’t see him ‘bucking the trend’. (Why hasn’t someone told Rob Zombie TO STOP btw!!!!!!!?)

Straight out of film school whose only credentials to date are to be fair are a bunch of Saw movies and not even the first one which was the best one out of the lot, Bousman directing a re-make of Scanners is plainly ridiculous. He strikes me as a director that favours style over content. This has been noticed by metal/rock artists of the MTV generation as he has been asked and has directed metal videos. Hardly a bloody surprise. A re-make will only amount to another sanitised MTV styled horror teen flick. Any director worth his salt that had read the scripts for these movies would have ran a country mile. Not Bousman though. What you get is weak/same old narrative; bare-thread plots with protagonists that make Jeremy Kyle look loveable- all holding together a collection of torture porn sequences and little else. Put all of those elements together with slick editing and cinematography and you are left with little more than a two-hr MTV metal video. As I have said ‘all style over content’. I tried to watch Saw 3 with his commentary but f*ck that for a lark, I couldn’t watch it all the way through as his narcisstic holier than thou attitude reminded me of Chris ‘lardy Leeds boy’ Moyles.

I could rant and rave further about how Bousman isn’t fit to lace Cronenberg’s shoes and why Bousman should not direct Scanners but I will leave it there. I do predict that in say about 10/20yrs time Bousman won’t have the same reputation as Cronenberg. Balls to that as no one really knows who he is now! As I see things at this present moment in time European horror is a far superior beast as too is Asian horror. Fact is Scanners should be left alone. The horror fraternity doses not need another classic pulped into an MTV grunge/metal video. Sadly directors such as Bousman and Rob Zombie appeal to a younger MTV generation as the atrocious re-hash of Halloween bares out. Bums on seats does not necessarily equate to good art so LEAVE SCANNERS ALONE. I have to leave now to summon-up my telekinetic powers in a bid to make Bousman’s head explode.

Never Mind the Buzzcocks as they are now impotent

Sod all the controversy over Nick Griffin appearing on Question Time as the BBC have more important matters to sort out. One huge problem they have at present is this: Never Mind the Buzzcocks is as dead as a doe-doe and anyone that still finds it funny needs a freakin lobotomy. Has it gone past its sell-by date? A unanimous HELL YEAH! So what happened? So what happened, why has it run outta juice?

Any and I mean ANY panel comedy quiz show has to have a strong line –up as in the host and team captains. Take all the good comedy quiz show at the moment: - Mock the Week, Have I Got News for You, QI, all have the right people in the right places.

NMTB success I’d argue started from Mark Lamarr’s sneering, abrasive style of hosting, holding the show together. Two good stand-up comedians, Phill Jupitus and Sean Hughes could adlib competently so the show had solid foundations. Between the three there was a mocking kind of cynical chemistry regarding attitude towards the music industry which was important. That and a shite load of silliness and absurdity which always helps. Sean left but replaced by Bill Bailey and as much as I liked Sean, Bill slotted in perfectly and the show grew stronger, all good things must come to an end. Lamarr left and I feel that NMTB struggled to find its feet. Enter Simon Amstell.

You all know the cliché ‘a change is as good as a rest’ but not in the case of NMTB. When Amstell took over it took me a while to warm to him. Lamarr was the kind of blokey-bloke you could imagine meeting down the pub and chatting about footie, Amstell more likely to be down the under 18’s disco chatting about The Sugar Babes. To be fair to fuzzy-chops he did have some sublime moments, Amy Winehouse episode was funny yet painful to watch at the same time and let’s not forget the endlessly untalented numpty Preston when he walked out. The Ordinary Boys, piss off calling yourselves Ordinary as that would be an exaggeration and then some! Anyway, death knell was sounding when Amstell decided to quit.

What have the BBC done to plug the gapping holes left by Baily and Amstell? Brought in Noel Fielding as a team captain and a guest host every week. Christ it ain’t working. Fielding’s surreal sense of humour may amuse the pasty-faced, leather clad, Goth/indie Camden crowd but he is well and truly ‘out of sorts’ on NMTB. Have I got News for You has a guest presenter every week and the show still works BECAUSE it still has a strong line-up of Hislop and Merton, poor old Phil Jupitus can’t hold the show on his shoulders. NMTB needs someone to steer the ship a strong comedic leader if it is to survive but whom?

Brain Blessed. After his stint on Have I Got News For You I think it would be an unconventional choice but the man is a raving lunatic making him a strong candidate. Also, Phil would have someone to bounce off of as Blessed is such a colourful character that never stops shouting and shouting first class bollocks with an opinion on everything.



At least give him a crack at guest hosting for one show. Get rid of Fielding. More suited to team captaincy would be someone like Russell Howard. Quick with quips and has shown he can handle himself verbally on Mock The Week, Howard is more suited to that role.

Reality is the show needs Lamarr and Bailey back. The show is broken and the BBC ain’t got a clue how to fix it. A shit load of Viagra could not raise The Buzzcocks, never mind.

Prick-Pop- Politicians; A marriage made in hell

Let’s face it we all have lost what little faith we did have in politicians. Apathy has swept the nation, who really gives a toss who the next government is going to be so I propose an alternative government. That then raises the crucial question: who would I vote for, who would be the shadow cabinet?


Prime Minister- Frankie Boyle.

Deputy Prime Minister- Charlie Brooker

Home Sectary- Charles Bronson

Minister of Sport- Stephen Hawkins

Chancellor of the Exchequer- Peter Andre

Minister of Culture- Phil Jupitous

Foreign Affairs- Giles Peterson

Minister for Transport- Dara O’Brein

Education- Jodie Marsh

Sectary for Healthcare- Shane McGowan

Fuck right off you self indulgent c*nt- Bono

I couldn’t and still can’t get my head around WHY pop stars/musicians want to cosy-up to politicians. When they do any credibility and respectability is eroded dramatically, it’s all good for image and credibility for the MP and their party. Gone are the times when music rebelled against the system now musicians are part of it, shame on them. Personally I think Gordon Brown should be seen hanging out with Kanye West as both are obnoxious pricks and have nothing to lose in popularity stakes. C*ntstain Blair was smarter as he became very matey with Noel Gallagher at a time when Brit pop was prominent; the word parasite now springs to mind. Never could anyone imagine Joe Strummer befriending Margret Thatcher or any politician. Has integrity become part of Britons lost ethics in popular culture?

BONO. A four lettered word and so is c*nt so excuse me if I get confused between the two. Never will you find a bigger more sanctimonious areshole on this earth. If Jacko is the king of pop then Bono is the king of brown-nosers. This man really has become a whore letting himself be pimped-out to any political party that’s in power or more likely to be in power. First New Labour now the Torys. How in the name of Jehovah could any musician show his face at a Conservative conference and expect the music buying public to take him seriously? Stuart Braithwaite from Mogwai had this to say, ‘I am genuinely shocked that my opinion of Bono could actually sink any lower.” Presumably the U2 singer will make a statement about this perplexing move, but at the present time this feels like another kick in the teeth for Gordon Brown in what are assumed to be the last days of his turn as Prime Minister'.I agree. Bono is an opportunist and a blatant self publicist that’s making bed-fellows with the next government in his mission to become the next patron saint of Ireland.

Here is something that defies logic- Lembit Opik and his ability to pull not just women in general but feckin pop stars. This alien looking ejaculate once dated one of the Cheeky Girls, didn’t they have work permits? If he was to be in my imaginary cabinet it would be under miracle worker. A couple made in heaven must be Lembit Opik and Katie Price.

ALL WE HEAR IS RADIO GA-GA

Recently found out Patrick Forge has left Kiss FM so now they really are f*cked! With more commercials than ITV and Channel5 put together and commercial DJ’s with laughable play-lists that would make Radio One sound positively experimental I think Paddy did the right thing and called it a day. Paddy’s show The Cosmic Jam deserved more critical acclaim than it actually got. Giles Peterson’s World Wide is ok but I tended to sway towards Cosmic Jam but having said that it’s still the best show on Radio One. Being honest I should get my arse around to listening to the show more often as authentic DJ’s like Peterson are far and few between. Kind of brings me to my next point.

They say the best things are kept secret which is probably true. Take Chris Moyles for example. Patrick Forge relatively unknown, Chris Moyels- over weight, overpaid, over the top DJ at Radio One. Remember the time on Never Mind the Buzzcocks when Mark Lamar verbally gave Moyles a bit of a kick-in, taking the absolute piss outta him? When it came down to it Moyles couldn’t hold his own when confronted with someone that actually had whit and personality. Is Moyles a shock jock but without shock making him totally pointless? As with Jacko’s self proclaiming statement, ‘King of Pop’, Moyles proclaims himself as the ‘saviour of Radio One’ but oh contraire monsieur Moyles. Only thing larger than his waistline or his gob is his ego. In that respect, Moyles has a lot in common with John Gaunt, another hateful bollocks.

Fact of the matter is Moyles only landed the breakfast show cause Chris Evans at that period of time was a piss head that couldn’t get up in the morning. Last time I listened to the Breakfast Show it was nothing much more than Moyles and his crew having a conversation amongst themselves. There was very little actual music played (good in hindsight maybe) with Moyles ranting on about subjects he knew little about or if not that then he would bully the people around him. God, he tried unsuccessfully to take the piss outta Jo Whiley but she was too demure and stylish for the lard eating lad from Leeds. Radio One seems to be slowly forcing poor Jo out the back door and that’s not good. With Whiley almost gone and Lamacq already left the stations target audience will be 12yrs old or younger. Never mind, the son of a Vicar still runs the Rap show.

Is Radio the medium it once was? Personally I used to make a point of listening to certain shows, grew up listening to the legendary John Peel but now seldom bother unless there’s a footie game on I can’t see so tune into 5live or Radio Scotland. Sad state of affairs is that DJ’s in the ilk of John Peel are a rarity. Is it old fashioned to value passion, enthusiasm and extensive knowledge over personality? Airwaves seem to be congested with jocks that are ‘all shirt and no trousers’. Even though I don’t like his style of presenting, Westwood’s knowledge and enthusiasm are boundless.

Though I have to concede that not all shows can be specialist as with the Breakfast show as an example, personality is the issue. Big question must therefore be ‘how do producers choose a certain type of personality to fit a designated time slot/ show?’ How objective are their choices? A bad choice will alienate a large chunk of the target audience and we’ll end up with radio ga-ga.

Jacko, Narcissist King of Tots

I shall try not to go off on a tangent and talk about the Michael Jackson conundrum. If my blog or blog’s are going to concentrate on popular culture then Jacko is THE pop cultural icon which says it all. Am I the only one, I’m sure I’m not, that thinks he was highly and outrageously overrated? I must admit the Thriller video kind of scared the shite out of me so yes it was good but is that because it was directed by John Landis? Probably. .

Recently I herd that there is to be some record release around Christmas time, almost spat my pint out with horror and dread. Just when I thought the hoo-ha of his death was over we will again be bombarded with the screechy, groin-grabbing, deluded monkey befriending King of pap- SHAM-MON! Thank the good Lord I will be in a fairly rural part of Ireland at Christmas, avoiding the onslaught, hopefully. Thing is though, shite pop music creeps and slips through every nook, cranny and crevice via every media outlet so it will be difficult to avoid. Why hasn’t someone shot Rupert Murdoch btw?

If only half the hype and attention had of been paid to the Godfather of Soul, the late, the great, James Brown when he sadly passed away I would have been a happy man (for once). I strongly argue that James Brown was and still is a greater influence in music than the bleachy-screechy one. Hip Hop/Rap, probably the most popular music genre at the moment would have never got up and running if it wasn’t for James and the feckin legendry JB’s. Must also mention that Mr Brown was one of Jacko’s greatest influences particularly with his dancing.

I think it all went ‘tits-up’ for the self proclaimed King of Pop after The Jackson Five split up, that was a shame because they made decent pop music. It seems to me that after the split and as he grew up he became entrapped in some kind of puberty loop or bubble, never making the transition to adult/manhood. Mind you, having a psycho farther wouldn’t have been a bundle of laughs. If lunacy can be genetically handed down then it’s been passed on from farther to son. Spacko never matured and that reflected in his style of music. It never ceases to amaze me that adults, grown men even, listen to his child like warbling. Now I’m not a big fan of Prince (another nutter) but he made music that had more bollocks to it and seems to be demographically aimed at mature audiences.

I saluted the weed in tweed aka Jarvis Cocker when he jumped on stage whilst MadMoneyMichael was performing with a bunch of kids….Think Jarvis was pissed off with the whole pomposity and utter narcissism of Jacko’s performance and I think ‘fair enough’. Jarvis went onto say ‘My actions were a form of protest at the way Michael Jackson sees himself as some kind of Christ-like figure with the power of healing'. That absolute fecking fruitcake, Uri Geller, keeps banging on about how Jacko was a humble man but how humble was he really? Jacko proclaimed himself as the King of pop, very humble. Jacko made an acceptance speech for an award he never received- someone should serve him with a slice of humble pie and as I’ve mentioned, the Jarvis Cocker incident. Problem with Mr Jacko was he started to believe the hype pumped out about him even though it was only just that- hype. .

I’ll leave the last words to Chris Rock 'Remeber when yous were young and ya had arguments about who was better, Michael Jackson or Prince. Prince won'.